As another day rolls on, it all feels like this is a slow rolling train to nowhere. It is in these times of extreme apathy that I wonder, what if? What if I actually went to college? What if I actually said yes to girls offering me vagina? What if I didn’t have to write out any more what if questions in the attempt that this would actually influence my life?
What is my life though? I go to the casino on a regular basis, even though I don’t really expect to win anymore. I go home to argue over trivial aspects of my roommate’s observations of what the outside world perceives all the while staying inside. Or I could do something that I enjoy…
But what if I don’t enjoy doing anything? Sure I will intake in vagina. That makes me momentarily happy. Until I bust a nut and realize how futile all that build up was for. I will intake more drugs. But that just leaves me feeling more empty after I sober up.
Did I really just do DMT and the only vision I got out of it was imagining NBA action? If DMT is the spirit molecule, is my soul supposed to be enamored with a game played by individuals I will never speak to? All doing DMT did was make me feel that this last bastion of hallucination is just what is on the forefront of my brain for the day.
Why can’t I just be happy for all this? I can always look back at what I was supposed to be doing with my life, but why can’t I change my world now for the better? I don’t know.