Definition of PARANOIA
: a psychosis characterized by systematized delusions of persecution or grandeur usually without hallucinations
Most of my life I have felt a certain tinge of paranoia. I still am falling prey to it. It is my normal default setting. I become enraptured in thoughts that perhaps I could change society if I were to explain my ideas out into the normal vortex of reality.
But change and society are two axioms that do not intertwine with each other that often. To change something benignly is to alter the perception of reality. To change in a meaningful way is to transform into a higher realm of existence.
If I do not uphold that impression that I have the ability to change someone, be it through experience or through maladjustment of my own character, then I worry what others will think of me? I wonder what will people think of me if I post my true beliefs? It is a never ending cycle of paranoia that I cannot get away from.
Perhaps I hold the key, but I probably do not. I believe I know more than the average lay man regarding most things I find redeeming. This though is faulty logic in that what I believe is what others should find worthwhile. It is something a conceited fellow believes and what I really need is not the speculation that what I believe is correct. What I need is the ability to adjudicate within myself that my reality is what I make of it. This reality can either be redeeming or it cannot. It can hold the key to my personal euphoria or forever be haunted by my own paranoia. To believe that I hold the key to other persons’ locked doorway of perception will only beget me more frustration.
So how do I go about solving this conundrum? The Eastern methodology would be to find inner strength through meditation. I have tried to meditate and just cannot escape my own thoughts. I find paranoia even thinking about what myself thinks of who I am. If I am incapable of personal change, then why am I to think that I am better than another?
Perhaps this writing will lead me down a path of disillusionment. I shall try to deprive myself of thoughts that only lead to negative outcomes. But damn, it is hard.