Things to work on today

When I look back at my life, or at least what I have interpreted through my current imagination (since accurate representation of pat events does not actually exist), it seems that I was infatuated under the belief that experiences are things that I observe. Go to a concert and watch the performer. Go to a sporting event and watch the professional athletes showcase their hard earned practice. I wanted to see the world, but not feel the dirt.

The things that I have a better understanding than most is maintaining an efficient computer, playing cards, and reading books at a somewhat rapid rate. These things I have learned because I have spent many hours into refining how to utilize them. But still, none of what I know, or have tried to learn, would say that I have pushed myself. I easily get to a point where complacency sets in then angst soon follows.

From this point, I want to keep track of the hours where deliberate effort is exerted. By that I mean the hours where my brain just really really does not want to continue doing what I know I should be doing at the moment. The best analogy I can think of is trying to get into meditation. Sitting calmly, focusing on nothing but breathing for thirty minutes, my mind will find any of a number of reasons why I need to go do something. And that is a problem.

There are many activities I start and wish to try to get better at them. Then it starts to get difficult and I find something easier to set upon. But what is that but not just conforming back to comfortably? That is the opposite of pushing myself, and soon enough the angst shall return.

Many of the activities that I could be doing are put aside because my wayward mind knows what it wants. My mind so easily goes asunder, yet I feel that I am in more control now than I have been ever in my life. Still, there is not at least five occasions a day that I get upset over rather frivolous events caused by my inability for people to conform to what I want them to express or act. I cannot control them, yet can I control my own thoughts? I would like to think I could.

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